So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
What if the only way your significant other could sob, cry openly, was if they planted their face between your buttcheeks? The ONLY way. They couldn’t bawl otherwise. They might be able to bring a sniffle here or there, eyes might water, but the relieving sensation of a good ol’ fashion Old Yeller…
OK IF YOU SEE THESE POSTS:
DON’T GO ON THAT PERSONS BLOG THAT “REBLOGGED” IT BECAUSE YOU’LL REBLOG THOSE POSTS LIKE 100X AND CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD IF IT HAPPENS.
i say yolo after failing epically.
fall down a flight of stairs and tackle baby brother in the process?
#yolo
can we take a moment to appreciate Grant in this screenshot?
THIS JACKSON-OFF IS GONNA BE ONE WILD HOOTENANNY.
how will i knowThey were known as the Divas.
Sure, they caused a hell of a lot of controversy—the Hispanic, the Negro, the Jew, the Queer. But everyone would zip their traps the moment the Divas came on the radio.
There was Santana with her sultry husk.
Mercedes with her powerful belt.
Rachel with her sheer emotional sound.
And Kurt with his clear angelic lilt.
Together, the four teenagers ruled the airwaves of 1940s America, taking the country by storm.
Then the 50s hit.
Rachel left to become the famous Rachel Berry on Broadway.
Santana Lopez and Mercedes Jones formed another group, the Troubletones, with Santana’s best friend and roommate, Brittany Pierce.
Kurt Hummel went into fashion, though dearly missed his late night sets. He worked as a tailor for an up and coming a capella group, because they reminded him so much of the Divas and what they once had.
They were later known as the Warblers.
The lead singer went on to become the famous 50s crooner and heartthrob, Blaine Anderson. He encouraged Kurt to rekindle his old singing career and together, the two sold out concert halls across America, as well as overseas.
The pair gladly retired early to the south of France when the late 60s rolled around and rock n roll started to spark.
Rachel was still going strong on Broadway at the time when she met Finn Hudson, drummer of the rock band Puckasaurus. They went through an on again off again relationship until their marriage in 1976.
The Troubletones stopped preforming in the early 70s when Mercedes met solo performer Sam Evans and fell in love, their small quiet marriage a year later in 1973.
Santana went into law later on in the late 70s, while Brittany and her old dance partner, Mike Chang, opened a dance studio together.
In 1998, the Divas reunited for a 50th anniversary concert of their #1 hit, “How Will I Know”. They sold out Madison Square Garden as they sang the songs of their youth, aged hands clasped together as they marveled over their sustained friendship.
long live to Daniel XD
long live Daniel*
Daniel, I love you.
Daniel, you legend!
TUMBLR LOVES YOU.
OMG DANIEL ON MY DASH AGAIN. ILY DANIEL.
Dancing w/ my Mom pt.3
“The Wop”
This is the funniest video I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Really, trust me. LOL, lit. This may be the only video you’re gonna find in this Tumblr, but wow, it’s totally worth it.
LOL it reminded me of this video ok
omg
The top one came up on my news feed and I immediately thought of mean girls, so I put them together for everyone’s enjoyment.
